Closure.

Now, this post isn't going to be like the few before it. This blog is my, "Funny Blog" so to speak.
But sometimes some things just need to be said. Closure is the title of this post, because closure is something weighing on my mind lately.

Closure is a funny thing.
Everyone wants it.
Everyone needs it at one point or another.
But not a lot of people get it.

I'm one of those people.

Do you ever have those moments, where you're just going along, life is good, life is simple and enjoyable...and then something, one tiny thing brings back a flood of memories? The good, the bad, the beginning, the end. The hopeful highs, the despairing lows, everything? Those moments where that song or that cafe or that nickname bring back every aching emotion known to man.

Heartache is also a funny thing.
Until you've experienced it, it's hard to fully understand it.
To go from floating on air, the girl that never cries and is never seen without a smile, to the girl laying on the ground, holding her phone and sobbing with everything she is, is quite a change.

Those reminders that the universe throws at us bring back the mental pictures, the memories, the happiness. But then they can also bring back the pain, the bewilderment, the questions.

Why?
Why did you leave?
Where the hell did we go wrong?
Why am I the one surprised?
Why am I the one hurting?
How can I stop the pain?
How can I trust again?
How do I get over something, when I don't understand why it's over?
How do I heal?

How do I possibly love again?

The list goes on.
Some of those questions will never be answered.
But some of them, they just take time.

I will never get my closure. I never will.
He left and that is it.
There is no contact and there won't ever be as far as I can tell.

It's been a long time.
It's been harder than anything I have ever known.
But it's been worth it.

I have a theory about sad vs. happy endings.
We all want the happy endings, we do.
But we can't ever fully let go of a tragic end.
Whether it's a book, a song, a movie. Doesn't matter.
I have a strange fascination with sad endings.
Maybe if I watch it one more time, it'll end like it should.
Maybe if I read it again, it will end happier.
But it doesn't.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

See, the thing about sad endings, is that they're real.
Even in a work of fiction, we know that somewhere, somehow, this could really happen to someone.
(The same can be said for a happy ending, I know.)
But the tragedy that strikes another could easily be us.

When I see someone grieving, I want to help them.
Cuz, trust, I've been there.
I know heartache like the back of my hand.

But I also know joy.
I know happiness.
I know the feeling of your nephew telling you that you are his best friend.
I know laughing so hard you can't breathe, you can't see, and you feel a six pack coming on.
I know the feeling of making new friends and reconnecting with old friends.
I know the excitement of new places, new faces, and new adventures.
I know the comfort of staying home and watching old movies.

I have hope.

I have love.

Closure is a funny thing, because not getting closure, IS my closure.
You reach the point where it doesn't hurt as much.
Then where it doesn't hurt very much at all.
Then you only remember the good.

The laughs, the talks, the time spent together.
The love, the comfort, the protection.
The inside jokes, the shared struggles, the good times.
Memories are meant to be cherished.

To him all I can say is:

I love you. I always will. I don't regret you. I don't regret anything. I'm sad it ended, of course. But I wouldn't change anything. You helped shape me to be the person I am today. Even a year ago, I would have given anything to have you back in my life, back as we were in the beginning, back when it truly was perfect. Back when you could've been my happy ending.
But the thing is, my perception of a happy ending has changed. Because I have gotten my happy ending. You made me strong, but I discovered tenderness. You made me happy, but I learned sadness makes you appreciate happiness better. You were my best friend, but I have loved and lost and loved others as well. You broke through my walls and when you first left I made them taller and stronger than ever, but I have discovered trusting people even if they let you down. I wouldn't be the same without you. So I thank you for your presence in my life. I thank you for the memories that will always bring a smile to my face. I thank you for helping me become, me.

I don't even know who reads this, I'm not sure I ever will.
But to those who do, hold on.
Hold on.
Life is too precious to focus on the past and the hurt. Whoever you are, you're amazing. You will get through this. You have people that care about you. Let them. I don't care who you believe in, but pray. Your God is always there for you. Let yourself cry, but then pick yourself up and keep going. Not to show him or her or them, but to show yourself that you can survive. Because you can. You're worth it. And someday, you'll be someone's world. When that day comes, remember how it felt when you hurt, and don't hurt the one you're with.
Everyone is fighting their own struggles, so don't give them another battle.

It just sounds cliche now, but peace and love, y'all.
Peace and love,
M.D.