Things I loathe.

I'm not in a hateful mood here folks, I just have a thing for lists.

In no particular order:

APPLICATIONS.
I hate them. I hate sitting there, trying to remember details about my schooling, housing, or banking information. JUST ACCEPT ME. And stop charging so much for applications. Really? $25? $55? And no refunds? I am a college student, I don't have $55 to spend on what is basically a glorified email. You're charging me that for what? It costs you nothing to open an email, you cheap jerks. Rawr. I just don't like filling in the blank for 12+ pages. No. I have things to do.


GOSSIP.
I have better things to do with my life than hear who's doing what, or who, or when or why they're doing whatever they be doin. I especially don't appreciate being dragged into it.

Classic lines of: "Oh my gosh! Have you heard blah blah blah?!" No, no I haven't. I didn't want to know, and now I do. Yay.

"Ok, so I'm not supposed to know this, so don't tell anybody." Then why am I supposed to know it now??

"Word on the street is..." Why do you know this? How do you know this? Why must I know this?

Oh, and one of my favorites. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but here it is. And don't tell anybody else, not even your mom." Ok, no. Just no. You obviously are breaking your own rule here. I literally did not ask for this information, so stop volunteering it. And don't turn around and tell me not to tell anybody. I trust my mom with my life, which is FAR AND BEYOND more than I can say for you.

I try to live my life as honestly as possible, I do. But I also don't like confrontation or hurting people. I'm an avoider like no other. So, if I have a problem with you, I will take a step back from the situation, figure out how I'm feeling, how I want to deal with it, and I'll get back to you. THAT IS HOW I DEAL. I have no scruples admitting it's probably not the perfect way to handle things, but if I don't step back, it will turn into a big bloody mess.


FIGHTS.
Like I said, I'm not a fan of conflict. I see no reason for people to start screaming at each other, to say hateful, hurtful things to purposely wound each other, and I really don't see a reason to bring fists or household items into the tiff. Sometimes, yes, people get upset for good reasons, but take a breath, back up, and don't start screaming and get the other person all defensive and retaliational and such. Just chill the eff out, people. CHIIILLLL.


MOOCHES.
It's as simple as this, don't use people for stuff. I myself am guilty of having done this before, but I do not make a habit of it. Don't bum rides, food, shelter, clothes, money, or anything else off of people! Get off your tuches and get it yourself! People seem to think they can get things from me, and often they've been correct. But I learn quick, I tell ya. I'm much more willing to try to help someone who does for themselves, and doesn't expect me to take care of them.


YOUTUBE.
"This video is not available in your country."
Really, Youtube? I don't live in Narnia. How is this a problem?? (Really, this is basically my only problem with Youtube.)


WOMEN. (Sometimes)
I'm often ashamed of how we as a gender handle ourselves. I saw something awhile ago that made so much sense. "Men will be friends until they find a reason to hate each other. Women will hate each other until they find a reason to be friends." I'm not condoning violence, but some tricks need to be smacked once or twice, or even simply told "No" for once in their lives. Sometimes I wish women were more like men, in that you get into a fight at school, throw some punches, and you become best friends. Too often women get so caught up in judging each other and back biting and just general cruelty to each other, that we forget that we're really all we have. We are a sisterhood of humanity. We keep the world going. We comfort. We heal. We teach. We love. We literally bring new life into this world. We experience loss. We experience horrible things. We are capable of being strong AND tender. We are capable of so much, but we get lost in the vicious, gossipy, shallow, and fleeting turbulence of society. Don't forget your worth. Don't succumb to the oily, disgusting slime of bashing other women. It doesn't make you prettier, smarter, better, or more likeable than anyone. It really only brings back a reputation of someone who you can't trust, who never says anything nice, and someone you don't want to be friends with. BE KIND. Don't just be nice. Kindness goes deeper, and takes more effort. So put the effort into caring about people outside yourself and your circle.


SNOW.
I don't care, I hate snow. It's cold, it's wet, it's slippery, and I don't need help falling on my face.


WAITING.
I'm just not a patient person most of the time. Waiting kills me.


PLAYERS.
I don't mind guys that are flirty, I don't. But I do mind boys that flirt when they shouldn't and lead my friends on. I feel the need to cut these boys. Just sayin.


LOVE SONGS.
Maybe it's a stupid thing to hate love songs, but hey, a lot of times I do. It's more of a love/hate thing. Heaven knows, when I get married, I'm going to have a ridiculously long list of love songs that apply to the hubs and myself. But I digress.


GOODBYES.
I think I hate goodbyes more than anything in the world. I attach very quickly to people, but at this time in my life, I am moving around a bit, and so are all of my friends. Being of the LDS faith, I say goodbye to a lot of my guy friends for two years, while they serve missions in various places. I am going back to school in about a week, and a few guys I know will be leaving before I get back, so saying goodbye to them was not fun. Most of the people in my town, I really didn't hang out with before I went away to school, or even last summer when I came back. This summer and fall, I've had the opportunity to really get to know these people I've "known" for years. So even though we've really only been friends for a short time, I will miss them like no other. FETCH. I hate goodbyes. I really do.


Ok, so this post was pretty random, but some of these things have been on my mind for awhile now, and I just express myself better through written word. As with most of my post, some are serious, others are not, and still others, you have to be me to understand.

I have so many emotions in going back to school, and I'll admit, I am actually a little nervous for this semester. It's my last at the good ol' LDSBC, and it marks the end of...something. The end of something that has kind of defined my life the past two years. The end of a beginning. The end of a chapter. A big chapter, yo. So I am sad to leave my homey wittle school, but I am also stoked to start a new adventure. Goodness gracious, I'm one that's up for adventures. I can't wait to graduate. I'll walk and have my parents see me receive my diploma and do the move-the-hat-thingy-to-the-other-side deal, and shake hands with the President of the school and get my picture taken. So cool!! I'm geeking out already, y'all. Hopefully, I will find a job and earn enough moneys to finance massage school, and big kid university. I have only hope for my future. Hope, and a little nervousness to keep me focused. I love school. I love learning. I love new. I love the unknown.

So fingers crossed for a great new year, new age, and new chapter. I could write a book.

Everybody love everybody,
M.D.

Ok, no but really? Haaaaaate the Kardashians. Their lives are pointless. Don't even get me started on Kim and Kourtney. GAHHHH. Spoiled women, bratty, fake, stupid. I don't know why America is so sucked into them. Stop it, Kardashians. Stoooooppp.

Khloe is kind of ok. Feel free to judge me on that, I can't even understand it myself.

Resolutions...

Around the end of one year and the beginning of another, we, as the human race, have a tendency to look at all we haven't accomplished this year, and make extraordinary lists of things we most definitely WILL accomplish this next year.

I myself have never actually made a resolution list, so I am going to. But it's more of a life resolution list. Just things I need to work on in general. Some serious, some funny, and some that only make sense if you are me. (Which you are not, so don't worry about it.)

Before I make my list, I want to point out that most people don't ever fulfill their New Year's Resolutions...and that's just fine. Because life can't be lived like a checklist. That ruins the beauty of spontaneous miracles and even spontaneous disasters we can learn from.

I've plotted out a life plan for myself more times than I can count. In some ways I am right on track, in others I am in a galaxy far, far, away from what I had planned. (i.e. being a chef, or having a cattle ranch, or being a makeup artist, or a drag racer...but I digress.)

The funny thing about it is, I'm happy. I'm happy at the direction my life has taken me. If you had come to me two years ago, or even just one, I would not have believed you if you told me of my future.

I am starting my last semester at LDSBC in a few short weeks. I am turning 19 in 20 days. I'm getting married. (Ok, just kidding on that one.) I'm graduating in April, and I'll be the 2nd McHenry to earn a college degree of any kind. This year I rediscovered myself. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned that I will spend the next few years meeting lots of people and losing lots of people as well. I got a bank account this year. I learned to use a debit card this year. I worked this year. I camped my badonkadonk off this summer. I made so many memories, had so many adventures, and loved so many things this year. So even though I didn't make a list or have any real resolutions, I had an amazing 18th year on this earth.

Well, these are my resolutions, and don't judge me for them.


1. Cry more.
I have a tendency to stop myself from crying. I'll tear up, so I change the subject, crack a joke, or simply tell myself to stop. That's not really healthy. So yes, my resolution is actually to let myself cry, and cry more.

2. Appreciate the people I love, and show it.
I'm just gonna say it. My parents are old. I'm getting older too. Everyone I know, someday will die. That's just how life works. And although I believe I will see my loved ones again...I want to spend time with them while I'm with them, and not assume they know I love them.

3. Say, "I love you" more.
I don't say it unless I mean it, but I don't always say it.

4. Stop and smell the roses.
My life is only gonna get crazier from now on, with school, with work, with family, friends, and boys. It's important to me to take time to escape the craziness and turn my music up or go for a walk, or go somewhere that no one knows me, just for a little while.

5. Study harder.
I know I'm capable of straight A's. I just need to get off my tush and earn them.

6. Don't get jaded.
People use me for so many things. But that's their problem. I can't let a few bad apples spoil the world.

7. Take care of me and be a little selfish.
This should be closer to the top. Too often I forget that I can't save the other passengers unless I put my oxygen mask on first.

8. Listen to more music.
This shouldn't be a problem, just ask my mother.

9. Keep in touch better.
Simple enough.

10. Stalk celebrity crushes more.
Like this one:




Oh, Ryan. Those eyes, they slay me.



Focus.


Agghhh.


Ok.

Back to blogging.



11. Be more spiritual.
I'm happiest when I'm doing what's right. I know that, so I've got to do that.

12. Swear less.

13. Stop friend-zoning guys so much.

And last but not least,
14. BLOG MORE.
I've been lacking in the blogging department. Forgive me, all. I will blog more when I'm at school and need to see pretty things.

Well, that's pretty much it. I'm sure I could add more, but that would make a ridiculous list, and it would take too long, never get accomplished, and then I'd feel like poop. So I'm just sticking with the basics.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year, what have you. Be safe, celebrate, and remember what these holidays are all about. Love, and giving, and peace on earth. And food. Lots of foods. Probably some games too.

Anyway,
Everybody love everybody.
M.D.

Closure.

Now, this post isn't going to be like the few before it. This blog is my, "Funny Blog" so to speak.
But sometimes some things just need to be said. Closure is the title of this post, because closure is something weighing on my mind lately.

Closure is a funny thing.
Everyone wants it.
Everyone needs it at one point or another.
But not a lot of people get it.

I'm one of those people.

Do you ever have those moments, where you're just going along, life is good, life is simple and enjoyable...and then something, one tiny thing brings back a flood of memories? The good, the bad, the beginning, the end. The hopeful highs, the despairing lows, everything? Those moments where that song or that cafe or that nickname bring back every aching emotion known to man.

Heartache is also a funny thing.
Until you've experienced it, it's hard to fully understand it.
To go from floating on air, the girl that never cries and is never seen without a smile, to the girl laying on the ground, holding her phone and sobbing with everything she is, is quite a change.

Those reminders that the universe throws at us bring back the mental pictures, the memories, the happiness. But then they can also bring back the pain, the bewilderment, the questions.

Why?
Why did you leave?
Where the hell did we go wrong?
Why am I the one surprised?
Why am I the one hurting?
How can I stop the pain?
How can I trust again?
How do I get over something, when I don't understand why it's over?
How do I heal?

How do I possibly love again?

The list goes on.
Some of those questions will never be answered.
But some of them, they just take time.

I will never get my closure. I never will.
He left and that is it.
There is no contact and there won't ever be as far as I can tell.

It's been a long time.
It's been harder than anything I have ever known.
But it's been worth it.

I have a theory about sad vs. happy endings.
We all want the happy endings, we do.
But we can't ever fully let go of a tragic end.
Whether it's a book, a song, a movie. Doesn't matter.
I have a strange fascination with sad endings.
Maybe if I watch it one more time, it'll end like it should.
Maybe if I read it again, it will end happier.
But it doesn't.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

See, the thing about sad endings, is that they're real.
Even in a work of fiction, we know that somewhere, somehow, this could really happen to someone.
(The same can be said for a happy ending, I know.)
But the tragedy that strikes another could easily be us.

When I see someone grieving, I want to help them.
Cuz, trust, I've been there.
I know heartache like the back of my hand.

But I also know joy.
I know happiness.
I know the feeling of your nephew telling you that you are his best friend.
I know laughing so hard you can't breathe, you can't see, and you feel a six pack coming on.
I know the feeling of making new friends and reconnecting with old friends.
I know the excitement of new places, new faces, and new adventures.
I know the comfort of staying home and watching old movies.

I have hope.

I have love.

Closure is a funny thing, because not getting closure, IS my closure.
You reach the point where it doesn't hurt as much.
Then where it doesn't hurt very much at all.
Then you only remember the good.

The laughs, the talks, the time spent together.
The love, the comfort, the protection.
The inside jokes, the shared struggles, the good times.
Memories are meant to be cherished.

To him all I can say is:

I love you. I always will. I don't regret you. I don't regret anything. I'm sad it ended, of course. But I wouldn't change anything. You helped shape me to be the person I am today. Even a year ago, I would have given anything to have you back in my life, back as we were in the beginning, back when it truly was perfect. Back when you could've been my happy ending.
But the thing is, my perception of a happy ending has changed. Because I have gotten my happy ending. You made me strong, but I discovered tenderness. You made me happy, but I learned sadness makes you appreciate happiness better. You were my best friend, but I have loved and lost and loved others as well. You broke through my walls and when you first left I made them taller and stronger than ever, but I have discovered trusting people even if they let you down. I wouldn't be the same without you. So I thank you for your presence in my life. I thank you for the memories that will always bring a smile to my face. I thank you for helping me become, me.

I don't even know who reads this, I'm not sure I ever will.
But to those who do, hold on.
Hold on.
Life is too precious to focus on the past and the hurt. Whoever you are, you're amazing. You will get through this. You have people that care about you. Let them. I don't care who you believe in, but pray. Your God is always there for you. Let yourself cry, but then pick yourself up and keep going. Not to show him or her or them, but to show yourself that you can survive. Because you can. You're worth it. And someday, you'll be someone's world. When that day comes, remember how it felt when you hurt, and don't hurt the one you're with.
Everyone is fighting their own struggles, so don't give them another battle.

It just sounds cliche now, but peace and love, y'all.
Peace and love,
M.D.

Update.

Dear folks, I will post again soon. I'm up in Northern California to housesit for a month, so I've been slightly busy. But, never fear, I will gain computer access and blog till I can't anymore. I will say, it is incredibly beautiful up here. I drove some back roads and took some artsyfartsy amateur shots with my phone. Here's a few teasers...

Xoxo,
M.D.

MEN.

First of all, I am obsessed with manly fashion. If I were a man, I'm pretty sure people would think I was gay, with how into loafers, suits, and bow ties I am...but I digress. Most of these pictures I got from here. This Is NOT New, is pretty much the love of my life. It's every thing I've ever dreamed of, in one. (Well not everything, but most everything concerning MEN and how they look. Delicious.) ANYWAY, needless to say, I spend wayyyyy too much time on that site. Drooling. Here are some pictures of my favorite things. (These all also look much better if you look at them while listening to Young The Giant: here, here, aaaaaand here.)

I go weak for dinner jackets, I tell you! I could look at this man for...well forever.

They say you can tell a man by his shoes. I would agree. By seeing these shoes, I would like to know this man. (The pants aren't too shabby either.)

UGH. Loafers. Fitted shirt. Fitted trousers. White jacket. Suspenders. I could die happy.

Now this guy reminds me of LDS missionaries, just much more attractive. I'm glad Elders don't look like this. It just helps me not snuggle attack them.

I have such a weakness for men in hats. I don't know what it is. I love, love, love his coat too. Again, really good shoes. And jeans. I guess the dog is cool too.

I can't even get to his outfit, his face is so distracting! His hair is EPIC. I just wanna run my fingers through it. Repeatedly. Also loving the scruff. Definitely been on a light beard kick lately. Sexy.

So basically, I have hair, a shirt, and shoes similar to this lady's...does that mean I can have the man too? (What did I just say about beardage? Agh.)

BECAUSE, if I had that man, we could have sons and dress them like this. Oh, how I love fall layering. And those lil rain boots are about the cutest thing I've ever seen, other than the kiddo wearing them. I think I'm on a kid kick too.

I am a California girl, and I will ALWAYS love a man in Vans. Or skating. Or in a suit. This guy's a straight up triple threat!

Ryan Gosling, I will have you! You can do no wrong. Even if you did, I don't think I would notice.

Oooh, oooh, oooh! Color coordination, oh my! Love hats. LOVE those shoes, love cable-knit sweaters. Such swag.

Pop of color? I love you. Look at the bandana in the pocket! Gen. Ius. Genius, I say!

You, my dear readers, will soon learn that I have a slight things for legs. Don't ask me why, I haven't figured it out yet, but a guy with legs from here to Canada, kind of makes me melt a wee bit.

I'm a firm believer in James Franco. Something else you will learn. He's talented, driven, smart as all hell, gorgeous, and funny. He is perfection in human form. Well at least to me. Don't judge.

A man in a good suit will NEVER get old. Woof.

James Maitland Stewart. My perfect man since I was 4 years old.

Somehow the last three pictures ended up B&W, but that's ok. I love me some B&W photos. Personally, I think it seems that a well dressed man in this age is nothing short of a phenomenon. To me, that's pretty sad. I've always loved watching movies from the 40's partly because I love the clothes, and I love the way everyone acted. It was such a classy time. Men were men, and women were feminine and treated respectfully. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in the next big thing, that we forget to appreciate others along the way.
Take some time to not only smell the roses, but thank the gardener, eh?

Xoxo,

M.D.

Things I love, love, love.

In no particular order:

Who doesn't love a good bow tie? I love the pattern mixtures. I LOVE cardigans. And color? I know I can't resist it. Obsessed.


Puppies. THEY'RE JUST SO FREAKIN CUTE


Mmmmm, photography.

Cars, sunset, going somewhere with your best friend.


I WILL HAVE THESE. Eventually.


PARIS. Ugh. I die.


Piano. I should play more.


If I could only get my eyeliner to do that woosh out at the ends thingy, I would be quite a happy girl.


When I have children, I want them to look, Just. Like. This. Oh my sweet heavens, he's so friggin cute. UGH. The cuteness hurts my face. I can't even talk like a normal person, I'm reduced to babbling.


MUSIC! I never have silence.


BOOKS. BEACH. SHADES.


Artsy-fartsy woodland pictures? Hells yes! I love a good hat, sweater, and old camera combo.

This will be in my future home. Tell me if you see what it is...


I love: LOVE. And on-top-of-the-head kisses. And plaid. And boys in hats. Agh.

Well folks. This is just the beginning. I look forward to this blogging adventure. More to come.

Xoxo,

M.D.